Dear Grandparents, I cried again today.

Dear Grandpa and Grandma,

I cried for a few seconds again. I wanted to just keep on crying but then I forced myself to stop crying again. I'm not sure of what to do. Should I just let myself cry? or should I just stop myself and force myself to "move on"? I've been trying my best to keep my life all together. I've been really doing that I swear. I allowed myself to sink into nothingness for the whole month of October and when November began I started meeting with friends, socializing with people, and planning out activities that would help me feel that my life is back to normal.

But the truth is, it isn't. I feel so broken until now. I try my best to be strong, to be independent, to let everybody know that I'm okay. But in passing, everything is still so fresh. I don't think anybody I talk to will understand. I guess except for my family.

I'm going to have a birthday lunch with my family soon, after my vacation. And by December, I hope I get to see them often since it is the holiday season. It will be our first time to spend the holidays without our grandparents. Well, technically our grandparents have been living in the United States for so long and we haven't really spent the holiday season with them so much. But this is really different. The thoughts lingering in my head when we guided your lifeless body out of the morgue. It pangs the heart. I've always been a sensitive person. I wonder if my cousins or relatives also feel the same way. I wonder how they are dealing with grief on their own terms. I don't want to be lonely.

I have my friends to cheer me up and keep me company. I hope they don't get tired of my drama. I also hope that one day I stop crying. I want to come to the point that, when I think of our memories with you, they will make me smile rather than make me cry. I'm so tired of crying. Please make it stop, grandma. Please make it stop.

We never expected that things would end this way. We never expected that God would take you away both at the same time. It is true love and we can see that. But Lord, please also give us the wisdom and courage to accept things the way they are. I love my grandparents so much  and I really miss them.

I love you very much. I wish I had whispered that to you guys more often. And I hope that you felt that through my actions instead. There is no other way for me to talk to the both of you now except through prayers and through this blog.

I miss you and please watch over us.

With all my heart,
Toni Rose