I'm already in chapter 8 and there are some notes I want to take down and quote from the chapter.
"Although adolescence and the independence of adulthood can weaken our view of our prents as all-powerful, they don't eradicate it. Therefore, even if they aren't loving, we wishfully think they could be if they wanted to."
"A common fantasy among children of emotionally immature parents is that their parents will have a change of heart and finally love them by showing concern. Unfortunately, self-preoccupied parents refuse all invitations to fulfill their part in their child's healing story."
"Focused on their own healing fantasy, they expect their children to make up for their childhood hurts."
"In adulthood, these children often learn a variety of healthy communication skills and hope that these skills will improve their relationship with their parents. They think they might finally have the techniques necessary to draw their parents into a rewarding interaction."
"Emotional closeness demanded a level of emotional maturity her mother simply didn't have."
"You need to find a way forward that didn't involve the parent's participation. That's the only thing that works with parents who are terrified of emotional intimacy."
"You can have a relationship with your parent but it wouldn't be the kind of relationship you yearn for. Your best option is to manage your interactions deliberately, rather than seeking emotional intimacy."
"Her mother was just passing her trauma down the line, as people tend to do when they repress their childhood pain."
"Annie was so intent on winning her mother's approval that she'd stopped evaluating the relationship. She'd never asked herself whether Betty was the type of person she enjoyed being around."
"Annie summed up her experience of being an observer by saying that she finally figured out who her mother is and accepted her mother's personality. It's not about Annie. She didn't get sucked into how her mother is acting like the one who is hurt. She was able to separate her behavior from her sense of worth."
"Three key approaches will help you free yourself from getting caught up in your parent's emotional immaturity: DETACHED OBSERVATION, MATURITY AWARENESS, and STEPPING AWAY FROM YOUR OLD ROLE-SELF.
DETACHED OBSERVATION
"Emotionally immature parent can probably never fulfill your childhood vision of a loving parent. The only achievable goal is to act from your own true nature, not the role-self that pleases your parent. You can't win your parent over, but you can save yourself."
"in families dominated by emotionally immature people, enmeshment and playing roles are valued in order to keep the family 'close'. Of course, genuine communication and emotional intimacy are absent in such families."
"When interacting with emotionally immature people, you'll feel more centered if you operate from a calm, thinking perspective, rather than emotional reactivity."
"Your job is to stay detached emotionally and observe how others behave, just like a scientist would."
"If you find yourself becoming reactive, silently repeat to yourself, "Detach, detach, detach."
"Staying observational isn't passive; it's a very active process. As you practice observing, you'll become stronger and more confident in your ability to see what's really going on, especially now that you have more of an understanding of emotional immaturity."
Relationship versus Relatedness
"Observing allows you to stay in a state of relatedness with you parents without getting caught up in their emotional tactics and expectations about how you should be."
"Relatedness is different from relationship. In relatedness, there's communication but no goal of having a satisfying emotional exchange. You stay in contact, handle others as you need to, and have whatever interactions are tolerable without exceeding the limits that work for you."
"In contrast, engaging in a real relationship means being open and establishing emotional reciprocity. If you try this with emotionally immature people, you'll feel frustrated and invalidated."
"It makes more sense to aim for simple relatedness with emotionally immature people, saving your relationship aspirations for people who can give something back."
There are 3 ways to relate to emotionally immature people without getting yourself upset:
1) Expressing and then letting go
2) Focusing on the outcome, not the relationship
3) Managing, not engaging
EXPRESSING AND THEN LETTING GO
"Explicitly say what you feel or want and enjoy that act of self-expression, but release any need for the other person to hear you or change. You can't force others to empathize or understand. Others may or may not respond how you want them to, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that you expressed your true thoughts and feelings in a calm and clear way.
FOCUSING ON THE OUTCOME, NOT THE RELATIONSHIP
"Ask yourself what you're really trying to get from the other person in this interaction."
"If your goal involves empathy or a change of heart on your parent's part, stop right there and come up with a different goal - one that's specific and achievable. Remember, you can't expect immature, emotionally phobic people to be different from how they are. However, you can set a specific goal for the interaction."
"The key is to go into the interaction always knowing the end point you with to arrive at. Focus on the outcome, not the relationship. As soon as you focus on the relationship and try to improve it or change it at an emotional level, an interaction with an emotionally immature person will deteriorate. The person will regress emotionally and attempt to control you so that you'll stop upsetting him or her."
MANAGING, NOT ENGAGING
"Instead of emotionally engaging with immature people, set a goal of managing the interaction."
"You may need to repeatedly redirect the conversation where you want it to go."
"Emotionally immature people don't have a good strategy for countering another person's persistence. Their attempts at diversion and avoidance ultimately break down if you keep asking the same question."
CONCERNS ON THE MATURITY AWARENESS APPROACH
"If you're getting emotional, angry, or disappointed, it's best to switch over to observing objectively and managing the interaction. You aren't being cold; you're focusing on what helps you maintain emotional balance."
"We can all get overwhelmed by another person's emotion. That's known as emotional contagion. But you'll feel more secure if you set an intention of observing what's happening, rather than becoming swept up in it. Even a bit of observation will help lift you out of the pressure to feel other's distress, not yours. You might feel some of it but you don't have to become as distressed as they are."
"Satisfying a child's physical and financial needs is not the same as meeting that child's emotional needs."
"You can't make your parents happy if they are always unhappy about something. Whatever you do, your parents don't stay happy for long. Just because they are complaining doesn't necessarily mean their goal is to feel better. That's your interpretation. Treat them nicely, but don't bleed for them. Their healing story and role-selves may require a lot of suffering and complaining. It isn't your job to abandon your own path and try to push them from behind. If you do, they're likely to become even more difficult and unpleasant."
STEPPING OUT OF AN OLD ROLE-SELF
"The ability to step back and observe not only your parent but also your own role-self is where emotional freedom begins."
"The ultimate goal in any interaction with an emotionally immature person is to keep a grip on your own mind and feelings. To do this, you need to stay observational, noticing how you're feeling and how the other person is acting. From this perspective, you can retain your individual point of view and be more immune to the other person's emotional contagion."
"Be cautious about new openness because as a child becomes more of an individual, the emotionally immature parent's knee-jerk reaction is to do something to force the child back into an enmeshed pattern. If the child doesn't take the bait, such parents may ultimately start relating in a more genuine way. Be cautions because if your parents show uncharacteristic openness in response to your observational and goal-directed approach, they might start treating you with more respect or open up a bit, and you could be vuneravle to getting sucked back into your old healing fantasy."
"Be careful! Your inner child will always hope your parents will finally change and offer what you've always longed for. But your job is to keep your adult outlook and continue relating to them as a separate, independent adult. At this point, you're looking for an adult relationship with them, not a re-creation of parent-child dynamics."
"Your true self knows everyone involved and the reality of the situation, so it's likely to come up with exactly the response that's needed. But the only way the true self can do that is if you stay in an objective, watchful states that's grounded in your own individuality."
"Our early dependence on our parents makes us seek their love and attention. However, we must step away from our childhood roles if we don't want to repeate them in our adult relationships. The maturity awareness approach will help you deal with an emotionally immature parent or any difficult, self-involved person - more effectively."
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