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Friday, January 15, 2016

Burnt Out

And nope. Not with work. I'm enjoying my job because it provides me to do the things I am good at. 

But last night I sent a text to my friend losing purpose in life and I just didn't know why I was doing things anymore. It started with a bad interview and then traffic and then my thoughts kept piling up until I started asking myself "why am I doing this?". I completely lost it. I got depressed.

My friend suggested that I was probably burnt out. 

I asked myself, burnt out? I know I was burnt out last year because I had a stressful desk job juggling a desk job and entertaining hundreds of people among other things. 

But today, I came home from a full day at my school and realized.. I am burnt out indeed. But not with work, with thesis.

I have been working with my thesis since January 2 and I have been sleeping at our couch since then most of the days. 

I sleep in our couch because it's one way of wiring myself to do thesis the moment I wake up into consciousness. Some days I sleep in my room and I just end up waking up, being lazy and faling asleep again only to realize I've been sleeping the why morning.

Sleeping in the couch makes me feel uncomfortable that the moment I wake up the first thing I end up doing is typing away. I take naps sure but then when I wake up I'm upright again. I feel like a robot. And it's like there's just no time to waste even sleep is a waste of time. 

So yeah.. I'm typing this blog while I'm lying down on our couch and I realized I AM exhausted from thesis. 

It's only the first half of January (what?? First half already) and I've been working on my thesis each day. 

The whole panic part started when I discovered that the deadline of enrollment for thesis defense was February 23, 2016 and right now I am no longer sure if I can reach that deadline but I am trying to rush through it. 

Which is as a result, I am where I am right now.

In my couch. Exhausted. Burnt out. 

I posted a tweed about me getting annoyed seeing college students in my campus because it reminds me that I am no longer one of them. And then realizing my friends are getting married, having kids, migrating while I am still stuck in the same campus that we were used to go to 10 years ago. I've been going to the same campus for 10 years already!!!!

a professor replied giving me words of comfort that I am in my university to improve myself but I replied disheartened saying I feel saturated and that if my school was food I am suffering from indigestion. The comfort zone is no longer comfortable and familiarity breeds contempt. Basically I feel like vomitting with the sight of my alma mater. 

He pointed out that it is just probably due to stress.

So there two people that made sense to what I am feeling right now.

Burnt out and stress.

And I totally agree. I've been pushing myself really hard everyday. It's like I'm squeezing the 2 months I've procrastinated last November and December, into just 2 weeks right now. 

In doing thesis you just can't seem to "spread it equally" it's either you're completely into doing it and completely doing everything to avoid it.

I'm depressed, burnt out & stressed.

I am still going to continue pushing this without delay and still try to meet the deadline but i think I will also start thinking about not being able to finish it and just defend in April. But that will be too far already... I think I feel so close to finishing it already and I can actually realistically beat the deadline. Minus the delays that will be caused by trying to complete the signatures and approval of the department...

I will just continue pushing it. For now, I will rest a few hours and go back to working with my thesis tonight.

All is well that ends well. 

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