What's wrong with me

I met with my mentor yesterday and I found out that what I was doing was exerting energy that was really bound to be useless.

I was creating a narrative report for each of the participant that I interviewed and she said that what I was doing was for PHD level. What's wrong with me and my standards? I keep on making my life difficult. Not sleeping. staying up late. Stressing myself out. Lack of social life. When the answers are just simple.

I'm going to do a thematic analysis. Something I've done in undergraduate thesis and what I've been doing in research papers at work.

I feel so foolish and stupid. 

Thematic analysis Toni !!!!!!

Why do I always aim for the moon when all that is asked for me are the stars? 

I don't think this is such an admirable trait all the time. It is exhausting. I am the cause of my own burn out.

SMH... Thematic analysis... Geez Louis.

Ugh. I hate myself right now. 

Just keep writing.. just keep writing..

I'm almost done with my first draft and I know that it's really hella crappy.

But it's okay. First drafts are always the crappiest right?

I just keep on typing typing typing words in my head and putting it on record.

I will deal with the grammar and stylistics after. At the least the thoughts are there already right?

I feel exactly like Dory.

Telling myself to just keep doing it and at the same time getting distracted every 5 seconds.

Uhm

So I went to my university today to accompany my friend process his scholarship.

This was my previous job so we went to my previous office. 

The person who replaced me, just recently resigned.

And for some reason, my former boss had this crazy idea of taking me back. 

Eh... 

What just happened? 

I was willing to help them of course. Haha

But for now, I'm not hired as an employee. I'm hired as a student assistant. 

Besides, I already do have a current job. Just so happens I can actually do both. 

And at the same time, I need some bit of excitement in my life. This full-time thesising is making me dull and my productivity has dropped down. 

As a type a extrovert , I think I need a variety of things to do and interaction.

So tomorrow will truly be an exciting day. 

Burnt Out

And nope. Not with work. I'm enjoying my job because it provides me to do the things I am good at. 

But last night I sent a text to my friend losing purpose in life and I just didn't know why I was doing things anymore. It started with a bad interview and then traffic and then my thoughts kept piling up until I started asking myself "why am I doing this?". I completely lost it. I got depressed.

My friend suggested that I was probably burnt out. 

I asked myself, burnt out? I know I was burnt out last year because I had a stressful desk job juggling a desk job and entertaining hundreds of people among other things. 

But today, I came home from a full day at my school and realized.. I am burnt out indeed. But not with work, with thesis.

I have been working with my thesis since January 2 and I have been sleeping at our couch since then most of the days. 

I sleep in our couch because it's one way of wiring myself to do thesis the moment I wake up into consciousness. Some days I sleep in my room and I just end up waking up, being lazy and faling asleep again only to realize I've been sleeping the why morning.

Sleeping in the couch makes me feel uncomfortable that the moment I wake up the first thing I end up doing is typing away. I take naps sure but then when I wake up I'm upright again. I feel like a robot. And it's like there's just no time to waste even sleep is a waste of time. 

So yeah.. I'm typing this blog while I'm lying down on our couch and I realized I AM exhausted from thesis. 

It's only the first half of January (what?? First half already) and I've been working on my thesis each day. 

The whole panic part started when I discovered that the deadline of enrollment for thesis defense was February 23, 2016 and right now I am no longer sure if I can reach that deadline but I am trying to rush through it. 

Which is as a result, I am where I am right now.

In my couch. Exhausted. Burnt out. 

I posted a tweed about me getting annoyed seeing college students in my campus because it reminds me that I am no longer one of them. And then realizing my friends are getting married, having kids, migrating while I am still stuck in the same campus that we were used to go to 10 years ago. I've been going to the same campus for 10 years already!!!!

a professor replied giving me words of comfort that I am in my university to improve myself but I replied disheartened saying I feel saturated and that if my school was food I am suffering from indigestion. The comfort zone is no longer comfortable and familiarity breeds contempt. Basically I feel like vomitting with the sight of my alma mater. 

He pointed out that it is just probably due to stress.

So there two people that made sense to what I am feeling right now.

Burnt out and stress.

And I totally agree. I've been pushing myself really hard everyday. It's like I'm squeezing the 2 months I've procrastinated last November and December, into just 2 weeks right now. 

In doing thesis you just can't seem to "spread it equally" it's either you're completely into doing it and completely doing everything to avoid it.

I'm depressed, burnt out & stressed.

I am still going to continue pushing this without delay and still try to meet the deadline but i think I will also start thinking about not being able to finish it and just defend in April. But that will be too far already... I think I feel so close to finishing it already and I can actually realistically beat the deadline. Minus the delays that will be caused by trying to complete the signatures and approval of the department...

I will just continue pushing it. For now, I will rest a few hours and go back to working with my thesis tonight.

All is well that ends well. 

Thesis Update

Not yet there but slowly progressing.

I'm so tempted to watch a movie but NO.

MUST.NOT.RESIST.

Analyzing some data right now and then tomorrow, I will do 2 yoga classes in the morning, submit my draft to my mentor, then proceed to starting to write the results (Monday) of analyzed data, then meet with my graduate school friend. On Tuesday I will start  writing the discussion portion based on the results.

I'm trying to gauge write now if my deadline and goal each day is being realistic.

Sunday: Analysis of Data
Monday: Results of Data
Tuesday: Discussion of Data

Of course these are just drafts but its a huge leap to help me finish my thesis in two weeks. Starting to write is always the huge obstacle so I would rather have bits and pieces in writing already and just edit edit edit... and edit some more.. I need to have my full thesis written by January 22 (Friday). And submit it immediately the monday after that and then wait for my mentor to review it and have it approved. I hope there are minor revisions, oh gosh please... So that my mentor will already approve for final defense. It does take a while to process these things due to a slow system caused by human delay. So as a result I'm squeezing myself to finish a month early than the deadline of enrollment.

Universe PLEASE COOPERATE IM DOING THE BEST THAT I CAN OKAY ...

Qualitative Phase: Creating Interview Questions

It's my first time to create interview questions. I just realized that.

I've had qualitative phases before but it is mostly open ended questions and in my other experiences the interviews are always unstructured. 

Now that I created a semi-structured interview, I have a feeling I will be able to conduct these interviews easier than I imagined. 

I've been avoiding the qualitative phase because I did imagine it to be difficult. How to analyze. What questions to ask. But then having a well thought and well designed guide DOES help.

Now I just have to tick tick tick the answers and if there are examples then I just have to type it verbatim.

My new calendars so far:

Conduct all the interviews before January ends.

February: write results and discussion

March: Revisions/Submission

Do I defend in April? 

It would actually be nice if I can already defend by April. Let's put our target in April.

By then I will get my diploma when I start applying in my new schools.

Yes, new school.

I have some plans in mind and I'm actually excited. I just love learning. 

People say I should just take PHD but I also admit and tell them I'm not emotionally ready  yet! Plus, I don't think I want to be doing research research all my life. I would rather take another masters degree. I want to be a master of another field. Crossing my fingers for now that I graduate soon and that my applications in my school school get approved.

Yippie!

Digital-Use Divide

http://mobile.edweek.org/c.jsp?cid=25919951&bcid=25919951&rssid=25919941&item=http%3A%2F%2Fapi.edweek.org%2Fv1%2Few%2F%3Fuuid%3D823FCF38-B300-11E5-A4AD-71C9B3743667&cmp=soc-edit-tw

A second M.A. degree?

The holiday break is over and I'm mentally preparing myself to get back to the student mode. I've avoided my thesis for almost two months now and I cannot keep this up. I haven't opened my thesis yet and its already 8:27 PM as of this writing. But there was an idea that popped in my head that would give me the motivation to finish my masters A.S.A.P. I've always wanted to study abroad. I can still recall the time I graduated elementary and my father planted an idea of me taking highschool in Los Angeles, where my grandparents used to live. But words remained as words and instead of moving abroad, I moved from an exclusive school to a co-ed school and had my high school years there. It wasn't abroad, but I appreciated the change and new environment nevertheless. I have met the most awesome people that turned into my brothers and sisters. When I graduated a bachelors degree, I've always imagined myself taking graduate school abroad, but for some reason, the reality of it happening was just far from reality because of the lack of foundation and support. I couldn't even get enough support from taking my masters alone, what more abroad. And this support is not just financially, but the idea of going back to school again was something my father found unnecessary. As the new year began, it occurred to me that I will be turning 30 years old next year. The idea of studying abroad will be more difficult to achieve if I end up having a family already. So, I think there is no time to waste anymore and I have to make my dreams a reality. Am I ready for a Ph.D program? I figured, I might not be emotionally ready for that yet. It will require lots and lots and lots of reading and research and I'm already having a hard time with my current thesis. I would like to go back to school and take classes again, but psychologically, somehow, a Ph.D. program sounds too intimidating and will include so much pressure. I want to go back to school for the sheer learning of it and not for the credentials and stress. When I meet somebody who took more than one masters degree, the first thing that I would tell them why did you take another MA and not just go straight to PHD? For me it felt like it was a waste of time. But now, I am starting to understand. To dive into a PhD program needs not just time and focus and intellectual capabilities, it also involves emotional readiness. Plus, do I really need a PhD? Why do I want a PhD in the first place? The only reason I have for now is for people to call me a doctor. Heh.. not enough reason to give myself a hard time eh? Well, anyway, another Masters Program therefore makes much more sense. Plus, I can choose a different specialization or master more my craft. I am thinking of taking a masteral program that would focus on Educational Technology. My current masters degree is on learning and teaching which covers the broad field of learning and teaching. My passion has always been on educational technology and I think it would be worth it for me to get back to school (or be a student again, after being a student) ... Heh.. a degree after a degree... it might sound insane for people.. but we all have our own interests.. What lingered in my mind as well is that if I take a Masters in Educational Technology abroad then my current Masters would seem useless because the program abroad would definitely be better. But then again, the experiences would be different and I think that's what matters most in graduate school. There is a story for every graduate school degree. Its not just merely attending classes and passing them. There's something about going back to school as an adult that makes the learning experience different. So anyway, right now I've been researching on possible school I would apply to by 2017... I need to make this happen.. I will have to take IELTS or TOEFL this year as well. Gah.. learning just never stops. I have no complaints.