Good bye, my Grandfather.

I watched how the nurses alternately tried to resuscitate my grandfather. I never wanted my sister to put down the phone because I wanted to know what was happening, every single bit of the time. I wanted to see what the nurses would do. Will they continue to take turns in helping my grandfather beat his heart again? Not everybody knows that my grandfather is not my biological grandfather. But he treated me and my sister as his own, right from the start. He was the grandfather I knew. He loved us the same and I loved him equally as well. I watched the nurses revive him. 

Until they stopped... talked to each other.. And then asked my sister and relatives to go inside. I told my sister I want to hear every word. It was choppy, I didn't understand what the doctor/nurse was saying. But I was at peace knowing that I felt I was inside the room as well. 

I was in the other side of the world when everything happened. First my grandfather had a cardiac arrest, went into comatose, and then completely lost his heart beat.

I used to visit my grandparents in California, multiple times. I stayed there for half a year times two. I stopped my graduate school to go back to LA. I used to believe that if I didn't go to California then I would have graduated early. But I don't regret it. I was able to spend a lot of time with the folks and that was worth all the delays. 

I love you Lolo. Thanks for everything. I hope I meet a man who's heart is as big as yours. Your relationship with Lola is the ultimate relationship goal. You were so patient, kinds and generous. You always thought of other people first. I remember when you were in the hospital in California, you would call me and still ask me if Lola ate dinner already. You were the sick one and you still thought of Lola. 

Anybody who knew you is blessed to have known such a gentleman you are. I wish there were more men like you. Please guide us in heaven. I love you so much. 

It was such a crazy week this past week.

I booked a ticket to go home ASAP from Toronto because I wanted to mourn with my family. I did not want to be alone so far away. I wanted to be with my cousins. I want to see my grandfather before we buried him. I want to spend time with my family. 

I spent a huge amount of money going home too soon but every day that I wake up I thank myself for having made that decision. It hasn't fully sinked in that j am back home. Everything that happened the past month feels like it was only a dream. I wish the death of my grandfather was only a dream.

After the funeral, I didn't have enough time to grieve becuase I had to rush my grandmother to the hospital. I still had the jetlag but there was so many things happening that I couldn't really fully grieve, moreso even rest.

I am hoping that my grandmother still remains to be healthy and that she doesn't leave us too soon. But times like these you appreciate being with family more.

Life shall continue to happen. I woke up with a high fever probably due to the exhaustion. From the moment I landed in Manila, I didn't have enough time to really rest. 

Should I get back with life? Or should I allow myself to grieve? I'm not really sure anymore. I don't know where to get the strength of what is happening. I'm not sure if I'm completely ready to go back to work, either.