My iBooks Collection

My iBooks Collection
My iBooks Collection: Some of my favorite books!

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Every Morning Is A Heartbreak.


Many many thanks to the people who attended our grandparent's funeral. So many people spared their time in joining us with prayers and mourning. Thank you so much. 
I don't have videos from my grandfather's funeral because I went to accompany my grandmother to the hospital right after gramp's burial.
How should I know that that trip to the hospital was already a sign of my grandmother wanting to follow grampa? But they are both together now and laid to rest beside each other. 
We are overwhelmed with the people who showed their support. Thank you.

Monday, August 21, 2017

Goodbye, my Grandmother

Silver gray hair
Neatly combed in place
There were four generations
Of love on her face
She was so wise
No surprise passed her eyes
She's seen it all

I was a child, oh
About three or four
All day I'd ask questions
At night I'd ask more
But whenever, she never
Would ever turn me away
No, no oh woah
I'd say how can I be sure
What is right or wrong
And why does
What I want
Always take so long
Please tell me
Where does God live
And why won't
He talk to me
I'd say Grandma
What is love
Will I ever find out
Why are we so poor
What is life about
I wanna know the answers
Before I fall off to sleep
Woah ho woah ho

She saw the smile
As she tucked me in
Then she pulled up that
Old rockin' chair once again
But tonight she was
Slightly, remarkably
Different somehow
Slowly she rocked
Lookin' half asleep
Grandma yawned
As she stretched
Then she started to speak
What she told me
Would mould me and holds me
Together inside
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

She said all the things you ask
You will know someday
But you have got to live
In a patient way
God put us here by fate
And by fate that means
Better days

She said, child we are all
Moons in the dark of night
Ain't no mornings gonna come
Till the time is right
Can't get no better days lest
You make it through the night
You gotta make it
Through the night
Yes you do
You can't get to no
Better days
Unless you make it
Through the night (baby)
Oh ho, you will see
Those better days
But you gotta be patient
Be patient, oh baby
Be patient

Later that year at
The turn of spring
Heaven sent angels down
And gave Grandma her wings
Now, she's flyin'
And slidin', and glidin'
In better days
And although
I'm all grown up
I still get confused
I stumble through the dark
Getting bumped and bruised
When night gets in my way
I could still hear
My Grandma say
I can hear her say
I can hear her sayin'

You can't get to no
Better days
Unless you make it
Through the night (baby)
Oh ho, you will see
Those better days
But you gotta be patient
Child, do you hear me, yeah
Well, well, well, well
You can't get to no, no
Better days
Unless you make it
You got to make it
You got to make it
Through the night
Oh Grandma, oh Grandma
Do you see me now, lady
Oh oh oh oh oh

Monday, July 31, 2017

Good bye, my Grandfather.

I watched how the nurses alternately tried to resuscitate my grandfather. I never wanted my sister to put down the phone because I wanted to know what was happening, every single bit of the time. I wanted to see what the nurses would do. Will they continue to take turns in helping my grandfather beat his heart again? Not everybody knows that my grandfather is not my biological grandfather. But he treated me and my sister as his own, right from the start. He was the grandfather I knew. He loved us the same and I loved him equally as well. I watched the nurses revive him. 

Until they stopped... talked to each other.. And then asked my sister and relatives to go inside. I told my sister I want to hear every word. It was choppy, I didn't understand what the doctor/nurse was saying. But I was at peace knowing that I felt I was inside the room as well. 

I was in the other side of the world when everything happened. First my grandfather had a cardiac arrest, went into comatose, and then completely lost his heart beat.

I used to visit my grandparents in California, multiple times. I stayed there for half a year times two. I stopped my graduate school to go back to LA. I used to believe that if I didn't go to California then I would have graduated early. But I don't regret it. I was able to spend a lot of time with the folks and that was worth all the delays. 

I love you Lolo. Thanks for everything. I hope I meet a man who's heart is as big as yours. Your relationship with Lola is the ultimate relationship goal. You were so patient, kinds and generous. You always thought of other people first. I remember when you were in the hospital in California, you would call me and still ask me if Lola ate dinner already. You were the sick one and you still thought of Lola. 

Anybody who knew you is blessed to have known such a gentleman you are. I wish there were more men like you. Please guide us in heaven. I love you so much. 

It was such a crazy week this past week.
I booked a ticket to go home ASAP from Toronto because I wanted to mourn with my family. I did not want to be alone so far away. I wanted to be with my cousins. I want to see my grandfather before we buried him. I want to spend time with my family. 

I spent a huge amount of money going home too soon but every day that I wake up I thank myself for having made that decision. It hasn't fully sinked in that j am back home. Everything that happened the past month feels like it was only a dream. I wish the death of my grandfather was only a dream.

After the funeral, I didn't have enough time to grieve becuase I had to rush my grandmother to the hospital. I still had the jetlag but there was so many things happening that I couldn't really fully grieve, moreso even rest.

I am hoping that my grandmother still remains to be healthy and that she doesn't leave us too soon. But times like these you appreciate being with family more.

Life shall continue to happen. I woke up with a high fever probably due to the exhaustion. From the moment I landed in Manila, I didn't have enough time to really rest

Should I get back with life? Or should I allow myself to grieve? I'm not really sure anymore. I don't know where to get the strength of what is happening. I'm not sure if I'm completely ready to go back to work, either. 

Saturday, July 29, 2017

Oh, Canada 🇨🇦

Niagara Falls, Ontario

Canada is such a beautiful place. 

I promise to go back and maybe start a new life there. Wherever God will take me, I know God has made his plans. 

Canada 150 🇨🇦

Floral Clock, Ontario

Zipline to the Falls - Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada 

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Lessons in Life

Next time I'm going to think of myself more. I need to be more selfish. Prioritize what's more important. Think of what's going to be better for me before anybody else.

Sometime you have to be selfish.

I sometimes make stupid decisions and I beat myself for it.

I try to convince myself that if opportunities are for you, they will come back.

But my impatient self just want to beat myself more becuase I could have had an opportunity an earlier time but I deliberately passed on it.

I need to prioritize my decision making.

Monday, July 10, 2017

Rejection. 10/8

I know rejections are part of life and when one door closes, better ones open.

But being rejected always makes you feel one thing, all the time.

The feeling of not being worthy enough.

You start to question your value and self worth.

So now I'm googling quotes on rejection as my coping mechanism to remind me to not give up and keep pitching.

I will find that right door one of these days, I will.